A Winter Wonderland Journey

It was 5:27 am. I jumped in my car lifted the garage and backed out of the driveway just as I do every morning. Only this morning my tires made a strange crunching sound and to my surprise, it had snowed 2 inches overnight. "It's all good" I thought to myself. "It is the first snowfall of the season, the snow should be wet and slushy and the roads shouldn't be that bad." So off I go. I drove extra cautiously so as to get my snowdriving bearings. And I was right, the roads in the Ranches were not that bad. "This will be a piece of cake" I arrogantly mutter. "I got this."

I get to the signal. And wait my turn to pull onto the world's most annoying highway. Which to those of you not familiar with Eagle Mountain is a 7 mile stretch and is a slow downgrade hill that on most days is not that big of a deal, but on snowy days, presents a pretty huge deterrent to your quest into town. "Oh goody," I say. "There is a huge truck in front of me. Clearly, he has four wheel drive and big tires and will be a joy to drive behind." All was well. Merrily we were rolling along. I put nearly a football field's length between us. Because, I don't have a lot of snow experience, but at least I remember this. All of the sudden, his break lights come on and literally the very next second, I can read his license plate frame. I jam on my breaks, which is what a person does when they are about to crash their little car into an enormous one. It was at this time that I remember rule #1 in snow driving... Never slam on your breaks.

Suddenly on my dash, a huge, orange, blinding light illuminates my entire car... reading "Roads are icy, tires slipping" "Well, no duh" I say. I have been driving for over 21 years and I am pretty sure that something isn't right when your car in moving in a sideways direction. "Oh shit, oh shit, oh shitty shit" I scream as I turn into the slide, out of the slide and back into the slide again. Somehow, after what seemed like an hour or two, I manage to get my car going the correct direction (I am not sure how this happened because my eyes were closed and I think my hands were covering them.) I almost thought I'd seen the worst but remember, I still have Utah 671 VFT all up in my grill. So I start tapping my brakes. Only no one has told me about Anti-lock brakes. "Am I in a dream?" I scream at the top of my lungs to no one. "Who has put a brick under my pedal?" All the tapping and screaming and swearing are not slowing my car down at all and I quickly begin analyzing my two not so appealing options... drive into oncoming traffic or drive off this cliff. What a horrible way to die...

Thankfully, my trucker friend finally notices that I am behind him spinning and twisting and obviously in distress. And I begin to sense that his car is starting to speed up and pull over to the side of the road which allowed me to slide right on by. The distance between me and the next car was half a mile which was just enough length for me to get it all under control.

Here's what I am thinking... What the hell am I going to do when we have a real snow storm? What if, with my vast winter weather driving experience I attempt to venture out one day and really hurt myself or worse someone else? I should not be on the road. It's people like me that you see on the ten o clock news all backwards and off in a ditch on the side of the I-15. And then the news broadcasters and policemen that they interview use you as an example how not to drive. What a total spaz I am. I need someone like the man who drove Miss Daisy to come and get me and deliver me safely to my destinations while I nag him from the backseat. I know you're out there, Hoke, isn't that your name? Come get me and "Drive me to the stow"